The Expendables

The Expendables
Synopsis
A bunch of aging action stars run around fighting each other and blowing things up. Really, I didn't get much more plot out of this.

Review
The movie starts off with lots of closeups and wiggly camera shots reminiscent of a time before steady cams. Compound this with every action movie cliche you can think of, and I'm not really sure if this movie is supposed to be a satire of action movies as a whole, or it Sylvester Stallone is simply trying to relive his glory days.  But either way, it really fell flat on it's face. I really, really wanted to care about the characters, but it I couldn't. Unless you have a desire to see what happens when Jet Li fights Dolph Lundgren, I'd suggest just renting your favorite aging action movies (my choices would be The Transporter and The Die Hard Collection) or watching The Losers if you want a pretty good action movie with spunk.

My Recommendation
Unless you really miss the good old days of Rocky, I would skip this one and just watch an old favorite. I'm giving it a 2/5 - If it happens to be around, it's OK.

Vampires Suck

Vampires Suck


Synopsis
A parody of the Twilight movies with current pop culture references. Becca is new in town, living with her father, the sheriff. She falls in love with the local hottie, Edward Sullen. Her childhood friend Jacob also loves her, and the two fight over her.

Review
I expected this movie to be horrible like Disaster Movie, but it was surprisingly entertaining. Hate the Twilight craze but basically know what's going on? You might like this movie. There is the standard prop/gross out humor, but as this movie seems to be targeted more at girls than most of the spoof movies seem to be, it's not that bad. My boyfriend actually enjoyed it a bit more than I did, and he doesn't even know what happened in New Moon (he did suffer through a rental of Twilight though). His words were "if Twilight was like this, I may have actually watched it."

My Recommendation
It's very entertaining, but I don't know if I would be willing to pay full ticket price for it. 3/5 - Rent it/Borrow it

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

Synopsis
Two story lines mingle in this Swedish cold case movie. Mikael Blomkvist is a journalist that was set up for a crime. After being found guilty, he is contacted by the former head of the Vanger family to solve the mystery of his niece's death in the 1960's.
Lisbeth is a hacker working for a security company. She was responsible for investigating  Mikael Blomkvist, and doesn't sever her ties to his computer when she is finished.
Together, they try to solve the mystery of Harriet's murder and uncover a series of violent murders that may be related to her death.

Review
I attempted to read the novel this movie was based on, however, I found the book to be very slow going and eventually gave up. While at times the pace of the movie echoes the book, the development of the case still keeps you involved. The original name of the book was "Men Who Hate Women" which, while less attention grabbing than the current title is certainly accurate. This movie is dark, graphic, and intense. There are scenes of graphic rape and violent crimes. Not to mention, the movie is long.
I really liked the character of Lisbeth. She is vibrant, mysterious, and aggressive. Physically, most of her femininity is gone, but she is a Valkyrie at heart. Mikael seems to be more of a foil to Lisbeth than a developed character. He is more of a faceless "good guy" than an actual person.
Overall, the movie was different than I expected, in a more violent rape kind of way. It actually makes me want to read the rest of the series, if not watch the movies.

My Recommendation
While I'm not entirely sure if I liked the movie, I liked that it made me think. Parts of it certainly made me uncomfortable. I don't recommend this for anyone under 18, even then, I would still think about if you really want to see it.  3/5 - Rent it/ Borrow it

In which Megan Fox plays herself

Jennifer's Body
Synopsis
Jennifer and "Needy" head out to a seedy bar one night to see a band they found on MySpace. The bat mysteriously catches fire, and the lead singer offers Jennifer shelter in his van, leaving Needy to watch them drive away. Jennifer later shows up in Needy's house covered in blood and smiling all weird. She eats some chicken off of the floor and proceeds to make some crazy wild boar noises and vomit up some spikey black stuff. Obviously something is wrong. Jennifer then goes on a killing spree while Needy tries to stop her.

Review
Megan Fox play a heartless man eater, oh wait, that's her actual personality.
Actually, this movie has some very hilarious moment in it like:
"I'm in survival mode, I think we need to get someplace familiar, like my van."
"It's true, it was on their Wikipedia."
In all honestly, this movie is incredibly funny, and not nearly as gory and disgusting as I thought that it would be. :)

My Recommendation
This is totally an 18+ movie, but I give it very high praise for what it was. 4/5 - Wait for a sale/coupon

Nic Cage is a Sorcerer

 The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Synopsis
One of Merlin's three apprentices, Morgana, steals a spell that can raise the dead before murdering Merlin. One of Merlin's other apprentices, Balthazar, is tasked with finding Merlin's heir as he will be the one to defeat Morgana and save the world...


Review
Nic Cage pulls off yet another creepy role (his ability to portray a man that you would never want around your child is simply amazing). The movie manages to have a very Jerry Bruckheimer feel, a perfectly fluffy popcorn movie with an overly dramatic soundtrack and some overly cheesy slapstick moments. This movie is mostly action, with a little bit of plot stuck in between the action sequences. So if you're looking for a fairly good movie that won't make you think, this is the movie for you.
Favorite Quote:
These are old man shoes
Excuse me?
I love them... alot.


My Recommendation
The one and only reason that I recommend seeing this in the theaters is that the effects look great on a big screen. Some of the magic is simply lost when it's moved to a TV... Plus, it's kid friendly so it's a good break on a hot summer day.
4/5 - Wait for a sale/coupon (or matinée)

The Last Airbender

The Last Airbender

Synopsis
A young girl and her brother find a boy and a giant flying bison in a ball of ice in a frozen ocean. Together, they journey to learn how to control the four elements of earth and rescue the world from evil Firebenders.

Review
I suppose that I should let you know that I never watched the anime or read the manga. I found the story kind of bizarre and choppy, though I suppose that if you knew the rough plot, the show may have been more entertaining. Plus the acting was very very cheesy. The child who played Aang was simply terrible and sounded like his was blankly reading lines at every opportunity. It also bothered me that the flying bison (Appa) looks an awful lot like a luck dragon. Apparently, this is the first film in a planned trilogy, it certainly feels like they tried to cram too much story into one movie, so it should be interesting to see what the do with the next films...

My Recommendation
Rent it or wait for it to come out on TV, unless you or your kids are rabid fans of the show. The effects aren't so good that they have to be seen on the big screen...

Would you watch Bruno?

Bruno 

Synopsis

I'm not really sure. Bruno tried to make a sex tape with Ron Paul at one point, but I can't really think of a plot...

Review

Bruno is the kind of movie that I like to watch while doing something else. It's uncomfortable, it's weird, there's no real plot to follow. The funniest part in my mind involved male genitalia swinging in different directions, but that's because I think wang is funny.

My Reccomendation

We watched this because it was the only thing on TV at the moment. I would say only watch it if you have nothing else to do. 

Does the A in A-Team stand for Awesome?

 A-Team
Synopsis
A group of Rangers are framed for a crime and must blow things up to prove their innocence.
Review
My favorite character may have been Baracus in the TV show (I really loved Mr. T), but Face is hot, Murdock is funny, and Hannibal's voice is like liquid velvet... One of my favorite moments was when Murdock was hanging from his helicopter blade singing "you spin me right round." It's occasionally refreshing to watch a movie where no thought is needed to get jokes.
As you would expect, A-team is a movie of explosions, silly dialog, and very little substance. You can tell that the writers/directer have a love affair with the original series, don't worry, all your favorite quotes are well represented! Baracus is still a mildly(hahaha) racist stereotype, Face is still a womanizer, Murdock is batshit crazy, and Hannibal is a badass. Add explosions and fire and you have pretty much guaranteed your success is the popcorn movie genre!
My Reccomendation
I pity the fool who doesn't go see this. It's plain fun!

The Box

The Box 
Synopsis:
A box is dropped off on a front door step. It has a button. Cameron Diaz and James Marsden stare at it. Cameron Diaz has a weird foot and wears a lady ascot. People have questions about Mars. There is a guy with a bowler hat and a messed up face. He offers a deal, push the button on the box, an unknown person will die and Cameron will be given One Million Dollars! She has 24 hours to decide. So, they go to a weird play and discuss their thoughts. A child is kidnapped. There is a philosophical discussion on "knowing" people. Do they push the button?? I shouldn't tell you. They decide at 34 minutes in, so there are essentially 80 minutes I can't tell you about lest I ruin the plot. :(
Review
Don't like succinct random statements? Then you won't like The Box. The film has a dreamy, blurry, sepia feel to it. There are some really bad accents, but sweet mustaches and golf carts! Oh and lest I forget, so very dramatic music with some ominous tones. The sets are more vibrant than the actors are. The most entertaining part of this movie is discussing whether or not you would take the money. We debated a few times if there was anything better to watch on TV as the show is a bit, well, slow. It also slowly gets weirder.
My Recommendation
If you like pedantic movies with more ominous tones than dialog, this is for you. However, you could either watch the Twilight Zone episode or read the short story and save some time with the same results.

Prince of Persia

I always enjoy a movie that has more grunting than dialog (take that as you will).

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
Synopsis
The king of Persia adopts a boy from the streets as his son after an act of courage. Dastan grows up to be a fighter, however his brothers and uncle turn on him. He flees into the desert with a princess and a murderous horde attempting to steal the dagger he acquired in his last battle.


Review
My disclaimer is that I have never played the Prince of Persia video games. Though I can always tell a video game sequence homage, and this movie certainly pays it's dues to the look and feel of the actual games. Disney managed to recapture some of the magic that they had created with the original Pirates of the Caribbean minus the overly annoying Keira Knightly. It also has the random accents found in so many Disney movies. Jake Gyllenhaal is good looking and easy to love, though lacking in any kind of deep thought. The plot moves quickly, and the visual effects are great. The fight sequences are a little choppy, but very reminiscent of game play. There are some very funny moments, such as a rant about taxes and ostrich races. Overall, I found the movie to be pretty entertaining, not revolutionary or anything, but fun.

My Recommendation
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is a fun movie, worth seeing in the theater. I don't say that about many movies... :)

Howling in boredom? Must be the Wolfman!

The Wolfman
Synopsis:
Well, there are lots of trees, fog, and gypsies. There's a wolfman and he eats and bites people. That makes another wolfman. Hugo Weaving looks like a tool in his facial hair and Anthony Hopkins loves to wear animals skins. Bam! I just saved you two hours of your life!


Review:
This review is written while I watch this movie, so it's kind of random and rambling.
The Wolfman starts out a bit bloody, but surprisingly slow. I'm not quite sure if they were trying to build an old school tension or bore the audience to fear. Another scary aspect is that everyone in the movie seems to have a different accent. I spent the first 20 minutes trying to figure out if they were in Scotland, Ireland, England, or Fairyland. I then spent another 10 waiting for something to happen. This movie had such promise, I mean it's the story of the wolfman, you could do so many cool things with it. Or you could make a movie with lots of shots of trees and clouds. Yay scenery. :p
When the action does start, well the gore is very bloody and stylized and the animals very CGI'd. I kinda felt like they were spending their budget in all the wrong places. "We don't need a believable looking bad guy, we need more fog and CGI houses!" Underworld had much cooler and more believable wolves, so what does that say to you? Oh and did you know that gypsies train master surgeons? So if you ever get your throat ripped open, you should look for a gypsy caravan and not a doctor!
The first time you see Anthony Hopkins, he is wearing this sweet tiger smoking jacket/robe thing, I totally want one! There's nothing that says hot quite like a musky apex predator! Unfortunately, Benicio del Toro is one ugly guy. Some people may think he's rugged or something, but yuck he does not do it for me. Old Anthony is actually more attractive than he is. If a movie is going to be this slow, it's too bad they could get someone really attractive to stare at for two hours. :( Hugo is, well, Hugo. Love the voice, hate the mullet and chops!

And... I just realized we have another hour to go at this point. *sigh*  I think they insituted this treatment at the theaters to keep people awake. ---->

Oh good, the transformation, finally! So... Do you know what's not so cool? The sound of stuck cracking associated with the human body. Eww. Though I will say, he does have a sweet howl. There were a couple cool shots reminiscent of the original movie, but overall, the movie still managed to be boring while mauling people and scattering intestines. Nice, you know every time you think this movie can't get any worse, enter random weird editing and effects... and more intestines. Here's a question. Can you wear leopard print after Labor Day? Or is that only a summer fur? I wish we weren't out of wine at this point, I just decided it would be fun to take a drink every time I see intestines! Though even without alcohol, guessing how many people will die in each transformation is fun too.
*The most important thing I learned from watching the Wolfman, when you have no silver, wolfmen are very flammable so setting them next to any open flame should do the trick.


My Recommendation:
Skip it. Maybe watch it on TV. But if you want to watch a werewolf movie, watch An American Werewolf in Paris instead, as it's a fun romp where you don't spend your time waiting for something to happen. I mean when the director tells you that he took 17 minutes out of the original version to "get to the first wolfman transformation" which happens over an hour into the film, that's not a good sign for excitement.

The Big Gay Musical

The Big Gay Musical

"This movie is rated "Flaming" by Christians. Not for homosexuality, because if you enjoy it you're going to hell with the rest of us." - The Big Gay Musical

Synopsis:

Well, to start with, there is a big, gay, musical. The musical explores Adam and Steve and the origins of their relationship, while the movie follows the lives of the cast members outside of the show as well. One of the male leads comes from a very religious family, and is terrified when his family comes to see the show. Unfortunately he had told his family that the show was about "Adam and Eve, the way god made them" as opposed to "Adam and Steve." 

Review:

I picked this movie because of the awesome title. It reminds me of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride. I will tell you, if it bothers you to see guys make out, or guys in sweet dance belts, you probably want to pass on this. And sexual innuendo, because there is obviously a bunch of that. And singing. And dancing. Well, it's a big gay musical, so I'm not sure what else you would expect. There is some great singing, though the voices do not match up with the lips, which provided be with quite a few laughs... Plus it's good to know that the bible was written by an angry redhead.

I got the idea that prior to their acting careers, some of these guys may have strippers. Or porno stars, they sure do make out a lot. All I know is that during the first make out scene, all I could think was "don't be porn, don't be porn" as sometimes when I watch a movie before I read anything about it, I get surprised. Thankfully, it's not porn! Woot!  Though there was a bunch of emphasis on safe sex, always a nice message.

My only complaint is that they tried so hard to bring touching, serious moments into the movie, and I wish they would have just kept it light and fluffy. Or a parody of High School Musical, like I originally thought it was.

My Recommendation:

Gay men and liberal women will like this show. There are tons of ripped abs and hot guys... If you enjoyed Hamlet 2, you would probably enjoy this as well. 

Faire Folk Series by Gillian Summers

I've actually only read the first two in the series, but since my ebook reader is charging right now, I figured that I would write about these two. :)
Tree Shepherd's Daughter (Faire Folk, Book 1)
Synopsis:
Keelie Heartwood is forced to leave LA for the world of renaissance festivals and a father she doesn't know. She is forced to deal with a secret mixed heritage and situations that she never could imagine. (look Ma, no spoilers!)
Review:
The Tree Shepard's Daughter starts out engagingly and continues to draw you in through the story. It's fun to watch Keelie grow, though she often acts different than your standard 15 year old girl. My favorite facet of the book was probably Knot, the orange cat of questionable origins.
Into the Wildewood (Faire Folk, Book 2)

Synopsis: 

Keelie's story picks up directly where it left off in The Tree Shepard's Daughter ends. Keelie travels to a new faire, this one with a Robin Hood theme. Her adventures and trials continue as she is forced to get a job and her friend, Laurie, from LA joins her at the faire. Her situation gets even more complicated when her father, and most of his "people" are taken ill with the mysterious problem plaguing the local forest, and Keelie races against time to figure out how to save her father and the people at the faire.

Review:

Into the Wildewood was as engaging as The Tree Shepard's Daughter. A good number of the characters from the first book return, and Laurie serves as a great foil for Keelie's growth. I found the plot a little more cohesive than the first book, and the tension continues to mount throughout the story. The climax does feel a little rushed, but is satisfying.

My Recommendation:

If you have teen girls, I'd say buy them, otherwise borrow them. Both books are fun, really easy reads. While not at the quality of Robin McKinley or Kristen Cashore, they are still a step above most of the formulaic "urban fantasy" books that can be found for tweens/teens. They are a great beach read.